Las palabras de mi alma

An experiemental piece of work

2009-09-03T19:49:00.000-07:00

I open my eyes to initial darkness. I sense a light switch within reach, but my movement is limited, for I am glued to the floor. It is the floor of my on bedroom that holds me hostage. My eyes adjust to the darkness and I am able to sense the light of a lone candle. It is only illuminating to what is in my surrounding space. The scent is of pomegranate, and although familiar, it only increases my anticipation and fear. The eyes are the only way of knowing. I make out my bed, my furniture, and other material items, but nothing is in reach. The bones in my feet have begun to mesh with the wood in the floor. My feet have now sunken into the ground and I am placed without mobility. I listen for the faintest sound, but there is nothing. I am left to my inevitable silence.

A door resides in front of my presence, and placed upon the door is a full body length mirror. I am forced to gaze back at my reflection. Is it real? I begin to watch the reflection dance and flicker due to the light of the pomegranate candle. My right arm swiftly and effortlessly lifted to the glass in one fluid motion. My finger reaches out to touch the image reflected in the glass, and upon experiencing contact the image begins to glow. I continue to gaze, and I subconsciously bite my lower lip. The image in the glass does not repeat my action, but instead begins to grimace as blood now drips from her lip.

The glowing image with blood trickling down its lip instills a distinct emotion. I trace the outline of myself as a child. I am alone and an open gash on my upper thigh prohibits my movement. The blood has instilled a lasting fear that will never leave me. It is quiet, and I begin to cry. I cry because of pain and I cry because I am alone. I want nothing more than for another human being to be with me. I need to grasp a hand, to hear a voice, to smell something other than my own blood. I am wet from my tears and my leg is soaking in the thick red water. I desire a mothers touch and without it the pain intensifies.

It was my sister that came to my rescue, my sister. I flash forward and the roles have reversed. The room is crowded and I am facing the wall. My own hand is intertwined with my sisters, but my eyes are unable to glace behind to view the birth and beginning of creation. As I grasp her hand within my own I can sense the pain and energy being drained into my palm. There are connections to memories that I have never before noticed. My fear of blood, my desire and need for physical touch, and my need for love. It all begins to make unusual sense, but I still desperately need something more, for I am internally empty.

After the intensity settles and I am finally left to myself, I walk to the bathroom and my tired face is staring back at me in the mirror. I brush my hair away from my cheek with the side of my hands, and with that swift motion, the aroma of pomegranates enters my body once again. I am still staring at the reflection and I hope my eyes will deceive me. My stomach begins to churn and my emptiness dwells with in me. I begin to vomit violently. I collapse helplessly and drift to dream while the pomegranates fade, dance and sew the empty seam.

I am standing in my bedroom. The sweet aroma that follows me has dispersed through my surroundings. My twisted reflection still remains to block me from my escape. I stare at her bleeding lip and at her upsetting appearance. It is my face, but not my emotion, and although my emptiness has not yet been filled, repairs have commenced. I have several answers to what was previously unknown. My fear of the reflection and her bleeding lip is a direct effect derived from experience. I understand why my love is unconditional and why my need for others is so vital.
.
I turn my head to the window. Light from the sun has enhanced the darkness of my bedroom. I am now able to remove my feet from the Velcro floor. I am both refreshed and exhausted all in one. I swiftly grab my keys and run to my car. I quickly throw my keys in the ignition and roll my windows down. I insert my favorite music and I drive alone until my perception of the world in this moment is no longer vague.

Tres cuentos, poemas, y emociones

2009-08-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

Mi matrimonio

estoy casada con una palabra. una persona. un sentimiento.me canso de la presion. quiero llenar este vacio y volver a mis raices.voy a caer en el ciclo. otra vez. estoy deprimida a causa de los eventos que pasan y occuren.yo se que DEBO ser feliz y yo DEBO ser contenta.yo quiero vivir libre. sin duda. sin presion. y sin la idea que yo TENGO que hacer lo que los demas me piden.

estoy enamorada, pero no estoy enamorada con mi vida ....con la vida del futuro que estoy esperando a vivir. voy a conocer a alguien o algo que pueda comprenderme. yo voy a escaparme de las emociones fuertes y las pensemientos peligrosas....pero primero yo tengo que esperar. hay personas que yo he dado promesas. yo tengo que llenar las promesas antes de que yo pueda salir. estoy casada con mi vida y con los elementos de mi vida. no hay razon. mi matrimonio con las senimientos de la culpa van a morrir. una dia yo voy a sentir ninguna presion o peso en mi pecho. no voy a llorar por las emociones pasados y voy a vivir en mi realidad.

no hay accentos por algunos palabras.

Alfligida

Todo esta cambiando
Estoy cansada y mi cuerpo tiene frío.
Este vacío que ha entrada en mi alma me mata.

Como una mariposa sin alas, mi vida esta rota.
Esperando....pero nunca encontrando una vida más rica.
Todo que tengo es una cara faltando el color y las palabras.

Y las palabras me duelen.
Yo creo que es mejor que yo no digo nada.
Pero la boca esta abierta y las palabras salen.
Como un anímal feroz
Las palabras y los pensamientos vuelan y me cortan.
Ellos encuentran el vacío y hacen una casa rota.

Los elementos de vida son imposibles de alcanzar y no puedo creerlo
Llego a ser una persona muerta y rota.
Pero no es raro y no es la primera vez.

Sin Razon

Como el ciclo del sol y la luna, mi alma sigue una calle muy largo. Encontro differencias cada dia. Estoy cambiando todo el tiempo. Cuando vas a encontrarme? Cuando vas a decirme que yo debo hacer? Todo que yo oigo es el taciturno. Yo estoy preocupada por el futuro, la corazon, el mente, y mi vida.Todo de los elementos estan mezclado en un lago pequeno y puro. Mi alma esta perdido en este lago entre la verlad y la realidad falso. Mientras la cuerpa fisical es expectado que mantener una cara compuesto. Yo estoy esperando para algo y yo quiero que tu llegues muy pronto.

I don't seem to like

2009-04-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

guacamole.
alchoholics.
losers.
bad procrastinators.
druggies.
big cats.
bitches
fake dissorders for attention.
controlling assholes.
never having kaitlyn time.
jerks.
manipulative words
manipulative people.
drama queens.
dramatic whores.
crazies.
friend suckers
fish.bad
energy.
high school.
fake friends.
anxiety.
being stepped on by everyone.
being critisized for being assertive or making a positive change.
being used.confrontation.
uneccesary confrontation.
failing papers.

new =)

2009-02-01T13:40:00.000-08:00

I sit here now.
Reading these past blogs.
I'm different now...last post was...who knows how long ago.

I'm cleansed of several bad "influences" as of now.
Friend is a cheap word and used too often...and many people are just looking out for number 1.
but that's okay =)
because maybe it's time i looked out for myself.
in a postive way.

Hopefully, i'll be writing some new blogs and poetry.
that are a little less morbid and dark..but idk.
but i'm busy at the moment so and don't have a lot of time to worry about it
.....so it might be a while.

(which is code for when the musical is over) =P

i guess it figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

2007-08-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

I feel like i've been chained to the wall
a bowling ball has been thrust down my throat
and is dwelling in the pit of my stomach

as this cloud of negativity rains on my being
The fear that rages a war against my mind is slowly
twisting and churning through my core like a never ending circle.

My heart sinks, and my hands begin to tremble.
I'm alone, and i don't understand why i make that choice.
I'm like a floor board, easy to walk on, and ignore
because I have no spine.

Internal

2007-08-23T16:37:00.001-07:00

It sqeezes firmly on my waist crushing what's left of meI gasp for my final few breathes, my head spinning, and stomach churning. Silent tears stream down my face, for all i can do is lie there. I haven't the strengh to fight because i have nothing to live for. I might as well peirce what's left of my heart myself. I'm alone. Yes, they hear what i say, but are they listening? I'm dying on the inside, and i can't explain. I'm hurt in so many ways, and no one sees it but me. They say it's a passing, but if it were...i wouldn't feel this way every moment of my life. It's as if i'm talking to the ghosts that haunt my my bedroom walls; They my crush the ice cold box around my complete being. It seems as though they breathe life into the shivering corners of my soul. There are crevices and wholes that need to be filled, and inside them have are frozen over memories of forgetten love, friends, happiness, and broken promises. I don't search in theses places, for i am afraid of what i might find. Please don't make me relive my memories. I can't face the person i've become. I beg of them to keep me away from the nightmares that cloud my thoughts. Begging and pleading never seems to be enough....because these nightmares are me. I can never release this monster. I can never escape. I hate him.

You live, and you learn

2007-08-07T08:55:00.001-07:00

It was all a blur through my clouded eyes. I could only see what was straight ahead, and i didn't pay attention to anything else. I was afraid to lose something i didn't even own, and I wasn't prepared to use my mind instead of my heart. I chose to let my emotions reign over, leaving my rationale behind. It wasn't all my fault, but mostly it was. I should have been stronger than i was. I wasted two years of my life in denial and stupidity. I found it harder to live a normal life with my emotions running rapid, and my heart doing things i didn't ask it too. No, i wasn't ready for any of this. I had always been emotional, but not like this. Crying everyday and wasting time and energy over this situation. Yeah it hurt badly...because i went into it knowing the circumstances and the way things were going to be, but i plunged myself into it anyway. I didn't want anyone to know, but i'm sure they already did. I was always side tracked, distracted, and hurt. The funny thing came to find out later was that I wasn't the only one trapped in this storm. At that point i wished i was dead, i had so much going on that i didn't want to live anymore. Both of my sisters had moved away and had their own sets of problems, my parents fought all the time, i had the lowest self-esteem ever, i had no real friends, and i was sick of it. It all sounds ridiculous when i think about it now, but at the time it was horrible. I guess that's the reason as we get older so that we realize how to deal with things in a more mature manner. It's been a year since all of this happened, and i see life in a much brighter view, you know with out all the think, dark clouds that blocked everything that was important. I'm learning to accept myself, and instead of complaining about the things i don't like, i'm going out and doing something about the those things. I've also prepared myself to block out people and situations that will put me in that same state i was in. I'm sorry if i hurt you, but you've done enough to me and i'm not going to put myself through that again. I can't help but say thanks though because if I hadn't gone through that i wouldn't be the person i am now. I'm finally at an okay place with myself, even though i have days when i feel horrible and want to stay in bed all day. It makes everything worth while because i know how to be a friend and be someone others can go to, and no, i'm not dwelling on my past. I'm just being honest to the world for once instead of just myself. I had a recent visit from the past, and i know you want me to accept you, and forgive you. Yeah, i forgive you, but I can't just be a piece on your game board anymore. It's time for me to live my life for me...not someone else.

2007-07-18T08:58:00.001-07:00

Black

2007-07-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

I bleed it through my wrists
I paint it on my nails
I display it on my clothes
I color it on my heart
Black Three bands combined as one
The center nearly breaking
Reminds me of the way i used to feel
Black I do not dare take it off
In fear that i might have to face the world
I am to a certain degree safe
No one knows the meaning behind this
No one notices this
No one but me and if by some chance someone does
It simply resembles tacky teenage fashion
Although I've tried to return and banish it
I could not rid myself of it
I cry my way into dreams
But now it is to late
The curse has already begun
This is my identity
I can only cry relentlessly
Black It chips away at my soul
It comforts my heart
It constricts my life

Chains

2007-07-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

Black stains the curtains
that are now compressed by the shadows
Leaving an incredible scar It is held down by uncontrollable forces
This makes it difficult to avoid choices something that appears as though it is not only waiting to give up what was fought
While the dark and daring air calms the raw emotions

My soul begins its journey the raging silence has never bruised me before and now it fills me with vast pain
This leads me to believe

That it is about to rain splash, splash
The way that my tears may keep me sane
He pulled away and lost his fame
Refused to take the blame

Waited for the me
Without the strength
Who would give up everything
In great length

Understanding to compete with lies
Pursuing fear in this madness
I am attached to this monster
That controls my every breath
I am able to bleed drip, drip but there is no blood I am not compelled to move on
I am nothing[
It feels as though my feet have been detached from my legs my hands have been removed from my arms and my face has been wiped off
It is almost as if I am dead

The string that holds me together has been split into two pieces
One which runs in circles
While the other that wanders throughout
It is searching for the real reason
Before the time of new season

Swirling in the comfort of my twirling prying only to accept the crying
The journey must soon come to an end only time is left to discover
White covers the walls that we want to remain hidden
While silently they waste away into the background