i guess it figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

I feel like i've been chained to the wall
a bowling ball has been thrust down my throat
and is dwelling in the pit of my stomach

as this cloud of negativity rains on my being
The fear that rages a war against my mind is slowly
twisting and churning through my core like a never ending circle.

My heart sinks, and my hands begin to tremble.
I'm alone, and i don't understand why i make that choice.
I'm like a floor board, easy to walk on, and ignore
because I have no spine.

Internal

It sqeezes firmly on my waist crushing what's left of meI gasp for my final few breathes, my head spinning, and stomach churning. Silent tears stream down my face, for all i can do is lie there. I haven't the strengh to fight because i have nothing to live for. I might as well peirce what's left of my heart myself. I'm alone. Yes, they hear what i say, but are they listening? I'm dying on the inside, and i can't explain. I'm hurt in so many ways, and no one sees it but me. They say it's a passing, but if it were...i wouldn't feel this way every moment of my life. It's as if i'm talking to the ghosts that haunt my my bedroom walls; They my crush the ice cold box around my complete being. It seems as though they breathe life into the shivering corners of my soul. There are crevices and wholes that need to be filled, and inside them have are frozen over memories of forgetten love, friends, happiness, and broken promises. I don't search in theses places, for i am afraid of what i might find. Please don't make me relive my memories. I can't face the person i've become. I beg of them to keep me away from the nightmares that cloud my thoughts. Begging and pleading never seems to be enough....because these nightmares are me. I can never release this monster. I can never escape. I hate him.

You live, and you learn

It was all a blur through my clouded eyes. I could only see what was straight ahead, and i didn't pay attention to anything else. I was afraid to lose something i didn't even own, and I wasn't prepared to use my mind instead of my heart. I chose to let my emotions reign over, leaving my rationale behind. It wasn't all my fault, but mostly it was. I should have been stronger than i was. I wasted two years of my life in denial and stupidity. I found it harder to live a normal life with my emotions running rapid, and my heart doing things i didn't ask it too. No, i wasn't ready for any of this. I had always been emotional, but not like this. Crying everyday and wasting time and energy over this situation. Yeah it hurt badly...because i went into it knowing the circumstances and the way things were going to be, but i plunged myself into it anyway. I didn't want anyone to know, but i'm sure they already did. I was always side tracked, distracted, and hurt. The funny thing came to find out later was that I wasn't the only one trapped in this storm. At that point i wished i was dead, i had so much going on that i didn't want to live anymore. Both of my sisters had moved away and had their own sets of problems, my parents fought all the time, i had the lowest self-esteem ever, i had no real friends, and i was sick of it. It all sounds ridiculous when i think about it now, but at the time it was horrible. I guess that's the reason as we get older so that we realize how to deal with things in a more mature manner. It's been a year since all of this happened, and i see life in a much brighter view, you know with out all the think, dark clouds that blocked everything that was important. I'm learning to accept myself, and instead of complaining about the things i don't like, i'm going out and doing something about the those things. I've also prepared myself to block out people and situations that will put me in that same state i was in. I'm sorry if i hurt you, but you've done enough to me and i'm not going to put myself through that again. I can't help but say thanks though because if I hadn't gone through that i wouldn't be the person i am now. I'm finally at an okay place with myself, even though i have days when i feel horrible and want to stay in bed all day. It makes everything worth while because i know how to be a friend and be someone others can go to, and no, i'm not dwelling on my past. I'm just being honest to the world for once instead of just myself. I had a recent visit from the past, and i know you want me to accept you, and forgive you. Yeah, i forgive you, but I can't just be a piece on your game board anymore. It's time for me to live my life for me...not someone else.