You live, and you learn

It was all a blur through my clouded eyes. I could only see what was straight ahead, and i didn't pay attention to anything else. I was afraid to lose something i didn't even own, and I wasn't prepared to use my mind instead of my heart. I chose to let my emotions reign over, leaving my rationale behind. It wasn't all my fault, but mostly it was. I should have been stronger than i was. I wasted two years of my life in denial and stupidity. I found it harder to live a normal life with my emotions running rapid, and my heart doing things i didn't ask it too. No, i wasn't ready for any of this. I had always been emotional, but not like this. Crying everyday and wasting time and energy over this situation. Yeah it hurt badly...because i went into it knowing the circumstances and the way things were going to be, but i plunged myself into it anyway. I didn't want anyone to know, but i'm sure they already did. I was always side tracked, distracted, and hurt. The funny thing came to find out later was that I wasn't the only one trapped in this storm. At that point i wished i was dead, i had so much going on that i didn't want to live anymore. Both of my sisters had moved away and had their own sets of problems, my parents fought all the time, i had the lowest self-esteem ever, i had no real friends, and i was sick of it. It all sounds ridiculous when i think about it now, but at the time it was horrible. I guess that's the reason as we get older so that we realize how to deal with things in a more mature manner. It's been a year since all of this happened, and i see life in a much brighter view, you know with out all the think, dark clouds that blocked everything that was important. I'm learning to accept myself, and instead of complaining about the things i don't like, i'm going out and doing something about the those things. I've also prepared myself to block out people and situations that will put me in that same state i was in. I'm sorry if i hurt you, but you've done enough to me and i'm not going to put myself through that again. I can't help but say thanks though because if I hadn't gone through that i wouldn't be the person i am now. I'm finally at an okay place with myself, even though i have days when i feel horrible and want to stay in bed all day. It makes everything worth while because i know how to be a friend and be someone others can go to, and no, i'm not dwelling on my past. I'm just being honest to the world for once instead of just myself. I had a recent visit from the past, and i know you want me to accept you, and forgive you. Yeah, i forgive you, but I can't just be a piece on your game board anymore. It's time for me to live my life for me...not someone else.